


Kitchen Protocol

by yugto



Series: as per my last email [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Epistolary, Gen, Take Your Fandom to Work Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-16 23:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20611130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yugto/pseuds/yugto
Summary: From:Hanneman von EssarTo:Community Based Learning StaffSubj:[CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocolPlease don’t leave dishes soaking in the sink. I am a great fan of bread but seeing a floating piece in a soup bowl first thing in the morning is not a great way to start the day!Thanks.HannemanHANNEMAN VON ESSARDirector, Undergraduate Research ProjectGarreg Mach Universityhvessar@gmu.edu





	Kitchen Protocol

**Author's Note:**

> I work in one of the community service programs within a larger comm service unit at my uni, which inspired this entire screwball AU. This was inspired by a really passive-aggressive email my boss sent out today and I wrote this in a frenzy when I got home. I'm so sorry for all of this. I can't believe this is the first 3H fic I actually managed to finish.
> 
> Everyone emails instead of texting each other because they're trying to appear professional at their desks. You know how it is.

**From: ** Hanneman von Essar <[hvessar@gmu.edu](mailto:hvessar@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Community Based Learning Staff <[cbl_staff@gmu.edu](mailto:cbl_staff@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj:** [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

Please don’t leave dishes soaking in the sink. I am a great fan of bread but seeing a floating piece in a soup bowl first thing in the morning is not a great way to start the day!

Thanks.

Hanneman

HANNEMAN VON ESSAR  
Director, Undergraduate Research Project  
Garreg Mach University  
[ hvessar@gmu.edu](mailto:hvessar@gmu.edu)

—

**From: ** Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>   
**Subj: **fe you are so goddamn lucky

that you’re in class b/c i think hanneman is about to blow a gasket. i can see a vein throbbing in his forehead. i just wanted to make myself coffee before this orientation starts and now i’m gonna have to hear him complain the ENTIRE TIME our slow ass coffeemaker is working

Sylvain J. Gautier  
Garreg Mach University | School of Drama  
Center for Community Based Learning | Student Assistant

— 

**From: ** Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>   
**To: ** Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: fe you are so goddamn lucky

sucks to suck, gautier. i have a goddamn 8:30 history lecture. stop telling me i have it good.

Sent from my iPhone

— 

**From: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj:** Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

hey if i leave my tupperware in the sink after lunch do you think hanneman will actually blow a gasket

also “i am a great fan of bread” who even SAYS that

yours,

claude

Claude von Riegan  
Garreg Mach University | Department of Chemistry  
Center for Community Based Learning | Student Assistant

—

**From: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol 

If you did, I’m sure he’d blame it on Manuela.

Also, if you can peel yourself away from the front desk, please come save me. Hanneman’s power walking toward my cubicle and I’m sure he’s going to start ranting about Manuela again.

Byleth Eisner _(they/them/theirs)_  
Garreg Mach University | M. Ed. Curriculum & Instruction - Multicultural Education  
K-12 Outreach Program | Graduate Student Assistant

—

**From: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj:** Re: Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

normally i could never leave you in distress ;) but there are a bunch of freshmen comin in for orientation rn so alas i cannot. sendin you thoughts n prayers

— 

**From: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol 

Why dont CBLs cubicles have doors. The grad stuednts in sociology never have to deal w this shit. Sorry for typos im typign under the desk while hanneman yelsl

Sent from my iPhone

— 

**From: ** Hilda V. Goneril <[hvgone@gmu.edu](mailto:hvgone@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>, Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>, Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>, Dorothea Arnault <[dorothea@gmu.edu](mailto:dorothea@gmu.edu)>, Linhardt von Hevring <[lvh@gmu.edu](mailto:lvh@gmu.edu)>, Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Place your bets!

Hello lovely undergrad student staff of Community Based Learning (and Byleth),

You can now place your bets on Hanneman’s reaction if/when Manuela replies to this email that’s totally calling her out! I have $10 on him dramatically slamming the gross bowl on her desk by the end of the day.

(As per our agreement from last month’s betting pool, no one is allowed to bet more than $50, because we’re all collectively a bunch of broke bitches.)

Best,

Hilda

Hilda V. Goneril  
Garreg Mach University ~ Fashion Merchandising  
Center for Community Based Learning ~ Student Assistant

—

**From: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol 

Goddess now manuela is here and complaining about hanneman. What did i do to deserve thsi

Sent from my iPhone

—

**From: ** Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj:** Re: Fwd: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

man you really can’t catch a break, pal

lucky for you i’m due for my break!! catch you in a few :^)

— 

**From: ** Hilda V. Goneril <[hvgone@gmu.edu](mailto:hvgone@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>, Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>, Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>, Dorothea Arnault <[dorothea@gmu.edu](mailto:dorothea@gmu.edu)>, Linhardt von Hevring <[lvh@gmu.edu](mailto:lvh@gmu.edu)>, Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: Place your bets!

Hello everyone!

The bets are in:

> _ Felix ($0) _\- “this is stupid and i’m not participating”
> 
> _ Byleth ($0) _ \- “I don’t think it’s ethical to bet on my colleagues, but I don’t think this is an argument Hanneman will win.” (Both of you are party poopers, btw.)
> 
> _ Hilda ($10) _ \- “Hanneman slams the dirty bowl on Manuela’s desk like super dramatically by the end of today”
> 
> _ Sylvain ($25) _\- “hanneman passive aggressively washes the bowl out and leaves rly pointed notes on the dish rack”
> 
> _ Claude ($25) _\- “Hanneman comes up with an intricate revenge plot that Manuela ignores”
> 
> _ Dorothea ($30) _ \- “Hanneman sends passive-aggressive emails to the staff listserv until Manuela does her dishes (so, forever LOL)”
> 
> _ Linhardt ($50) _ \- “hanneman just fucking screams” 

Looking forward to seeing how it shakes out <3,

Hilda

— 

**From: ** Manuela Casagranda <[manuelac@gmu.edu](mailto:manuelac@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Hanneman von Essar <[hvessar@gmu.edu](mailto:hvessar@gmu.edu)>, Community Based Learning Staff <[cbl_staff@gmu.edu](mailto:cbl_staff@gmu.edu)>   
**Subj: **Re: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

fuck off hanneman lmao

Sent from my iPhone

—

**From: ** Dorothea Arnault <[dorothea@gmu.edu](mailto:dorothea@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Hilda V. Goneril <[hvgone@gmu.edu](mailto:hvgone@gmu.edu)>, Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>, Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>, Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>, Linhardt von Hevring <[lvh@gmu.edu](mailto:lvh@gmu.edu)>, Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Fwd: Re: [CBL Staff] Reminder on kitchen protocol

THINGS MANUELA JUST DID: **THAT**

— 

**From: ** Seteth C. Hol <[seteth@gmu.edu](mailto:seteth@gmu.edu)>  
**To:** Community Based Learning Staff <[cbl_staff@gmu.edu](mailto:cbl_staff@gmu.edu)>   
**Subj: ** [CBL Staff] Reminder on email protocol 

Hello all,

A friendly reminder that as employees of the university, your emails are subject to subpoena by the university at any time. Communications should thus be restricted to anything appropriate for viewing by staff outside this unit. Further violation of this protocol will result in a talk with Dean Rhea and myself.

Regards,

SETETH C. HOL  
Garreg Mach University  
Associate Dean | Undergraduate Academics & Programming  
[ seteth@gmu.edu](mailto:seteth@gmu.edu) | Cathedral Hall, Suite 201

— 

**From: ** Jeralt Eisner <[jeralt@gmu.edu](mailto:jeralt@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **You ok?

Kid,

Just heard an unearthly scream coming from your suite. Everything okay in there?

Dad

Jeralt Eisner  
Garreg Mach University  
Associate Professor | History of War and Society

— 

**From:** Dorothea Arnault <[dorothea@gmu.edu](mailto:dorothea@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>, Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>, Hilda V. Goneril <[hvgone@gmu.edu](mailto:hvgone@gmu.edu)>, Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>, Linhardt von Hevring <[lvh@gmu.edu](mailto:lvh@gmu.edu)>, Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: ** A day that will live in infamy  
**Attached: **Hanneman_loses_it.mp4

I’m so glad I managed to take a break at the exact right time. Hope you enjoy this cinematic masterpiece!

(I hope this email never gets subpoena’d or I WILL probably lose my job.)

<3,

Dorothea

Dorothea Arnault  
Garreg Mach University School of Music: Vocal Performance  
Mittelfrank Choral Group: Student Coordinator  
Center for Community Based Learning: Student Assistant

—

**From: ** Linhardt von Hevring <[lvh@gmu.edu](mailto:lvh@gmu.edu)>  
**To: ** Dorothea Arnault <[dorothea@gmu.edu](mailto:dorothea@gmu.edu)>, Felix H. Fraldarius <[fhfrldrs@gmu.edu](mailto:fhfrldrs@gmu.edu)>, Sylvain J. Gautier <[sgautier@gmu.edu](mailto:sgautier@gmu.edu)>, Hilda V. Goneril <[hvgone@gmu.edu](mailto:hvgone@gmu.edu)>, Claude von Riegan <[cvr@gmu.edu](mailto:cvr@gmu.edu)>, Byleth Eisner <[eisnerb@gmu.edu](mailto:eisnerb@gmu.edu)>  
**Subj: **Re: A day that will live in infamy

> _Linhardt ($50) _\- “hanneman just fucking screams” 

pay up, bitches

**Author's Note:**

> linhardt spent all the money he won on a new fishing pole
> 
> [the tweet that started this travesty](https://twitter.com/tadhanastar/status/1171844580955705344)  
  
yell at me about 3H on twitter [@tadhanastar](https://twitter.com/tadhanastar)


End file.
